Painfully Good Looking Men In My Life

There needs to be less of them. I just want all of them far too much to be healthy. ACK.

That moment when

You just met someone at an event who you think is really awesome. You friend them on facebook, then post on their wall (like you did with everyone you met) a really long and involved message about how you enjoyed meeting them.

Then response you get is, "Nice meeting you too."




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I don't even remember that.

So I decided to go back and read some of my older posts because I might have been a little bored... I was going through some of the posts about boys after I had stopped putting in names because some very immature person decided to go TELL the person I was writing about that I was writing about them... I didn't let anyone read my blog for a while after that either. But anyways. I was reading some posts that didn't have names and I realized that I don't remember who I was writing about.

There are some things I wrote about that I don't even remember happening.

There was one post that detailed when I was dancing with someone and singing and said to them, "I'm sorry if my singing is bothering you." "Yes, it is bothering me. It's so gorgeous that it's completely distracting me from my dancing." So that made me smile a bit to reread it, and I realized I haven't spoken to the person who said that since that happened, like 2 and a half years ago. Huh. 



Kinda random post, but that's what happens sometimes. Until later my pretties.

So there's this dude.

He's almost painfully cute. Yes. Painfully. Looking at him feels so good, but at the same time hurts because I can't be with him the way I'd like to. He;s going to be leaving soon so he doesn't want to have a relationship. But who needs relationships? There can be fun without any of the strings attached. We all know this! It is a known fact. But he doesn't want to disappoint anyone. Well, he did disappoint people, including me. I wouldn't even care for REAL relationship, I just wanted to feel him with me, feel his lips on mine, his body pressed against mine...

But it will never be. He mentioned he's still head over heals for another girl back home and that makes me feel like nothing could ever happen with him no matter what... He's just too early on in his life to believe this stuff. I used to believe it, everyone knows I did! I believed it for so long and so hard that it threw so many other parts of my life into the dust in it's wake. But now I'm over that. I like fun. I like no strings attached. Given, yes, I want the strings. But if given the choice of no strings or nothing at all, I'll choose no strings. No feelings. No later or future or again, I'll live with it for the once. It's better than nothing.

They always say, it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, and I am a firm believer in such things.



Someday I will find my strings.

I Messed Up

So, I started getting really close to this guy. Not romantically, nothing like that, but still really close. I assumed he was into me, because, come on, who wouldn't be... Or at least that's what I try to tell myself. Anyways. We would talk all day every day at work online about lots of stuff. We made lots of plans for visits and events. He was supposed to come up for an event... but I realized earlier in that week that it would be more fun and less awkward to bring a GIRL, rather than a guy. I tried to offer him a bunch of ways out, but he never accepted. He just insisted he was coming, even though it turned out to be way out of the way. So I guess, in a way, this one event turned the entire visit into me being unhappy with him.

It didn't help that he was about 2 hours late. So the entire time he was visiting, I was just unhappy with him and snippy and ignoring him when we were around other people. It was terrible. And whenever he visits he just shares my bed and we cuddle. So I guess this might have been an odd friendship in the first place. So go back to my house and get in bed and I all of the sudden just want to be alone. I don't want to be sharing the bed at all. It made it a night where neither of us really slept because I couldn't get comfortable without rubbing up against him in some way. And this was not a good tension. It was bad tension. And I'm sure he could feel it too, but he didn't mention anything.

This went on for a while more, I would be snippy online when we chatted during the day at work and things just weren't going well at all. Then we had a trip to go out of town together, which thankfully a girl friend of mine joined in. He was late getting to my house to leave. Again. So again, I wasn't happy with him, on top of the already existent bad tension. It was not looking up. The weekend was alright, but I just didn't want to be around him at all. Then at some point, him and my girl friend got really buddy buddy. We picked up a stray person who needed a ride back so they ended up in the back seat together on the drive. I was driving, so I couldn't turn around and chat with them. When the stray decided to take a nap, I was stuck "alone" in the front seat with no one to talk to. They were both mumbling at things on their phones then laughing and I felt totally isolated. It's not enough that I feel totally isolated most of the time anyways... I don't feel like I fit in with any of the groups I'm a part of. I don't really fit perfectly with my coworkers, though I am starting to get to know them a little better NOW, which is good. I never fit with the dancers, because I wasn't the perfect little person they wanted. I don't fit in a lot of groups because they get annoyed with me before they can get to know me. They don't like people who are loud and seize attention from the room. So the trip was half okay, and half terrible. My radio stopped working halfway through too.

The next week I texted him asking why he hadn't been online at all and that it was lame. He responded much later that we needed to have a serious talk. Now, this is where I exeunt stage left. Serious talk is not a thing I like to take part in. I like to run away and pretend it doesn't need to happen. I'm terrible at serious talks. I always try to say what they want to hear and end up saying things that just make it worse. Then I try to fix what I just said and make it worse... It's not pretty. I'm terrible with words. Fact. I couldn't talk my way out of a car chase with the fastest car ever made. But that's besides the point. If I'm terrible at having these talks, I for surely don't want to have it where I won't have time to thing. Texting or emailing would be best. Yes, I'm a wimp.

So we had terrible texting arguments. Finally, I was like, I'm not going to try to explain myself anymore, I'm not going to be able to talk myself out of this even if I was completely innocent. Which obviously, I am not. I'm not going to try to explain my reasoning because you wouldn't understand. And then, I'm not going to try to make it work because I have too much pride and saying sorry isn't really something I do for snapping at people. It hurts my soul. Blackens it.



So I didn't try. Rather than trying to fix the problem, I pushed it away and ignored it. I hadn't really talked to him at all except he messaged me randomly online at work and I gave short answers. I wasn't going to have a fun conversation and let him slip in actual issues! No, that's not really how it works, but it felt weird to talk to him as we used it. Our friendship felt completely broken.





I'm not really sure how to fix it, but I'm not sure I want to. If I flip flopped from happy around him to perpetually annoyed at him in just a couple months, there is no point in even trying to stay friends. There is no way that is going to work out. I'm not willing to put in a bunch of effort for someone I barely know. Especially someone I don't have a huge urge to be around either. I'm not really sure how to feel about this. A part of me is sad, but the other part just wishes it would all go away.





Could I have lost a lasting good friend, just because I am too willful, prideful, and lazy?

What Once Was

He used to be so into me. He seriously had the hots for me. But then he started becoming less of the awkward guy I first met and more of the confident guy I could be attracted too. It's really too bad I realized this and he was no longer interested. I mentioned to him that this had happened and he didn't know what to tell me, giving me the answer I was looking for, that he really wasn't interested.

I saw him a couple days later and we were hanging out at his house with a couple other people, drinking a beer and chatting. I started off at the opposite side of the couch then ended up sitting in a part of the U shaped 5 section couch with empty sections on either side of me. He got up at some point and came and took the section next to me. Over the course of the next hour I cuddled in closer then when I got up and came back really got in close. He had is arm across my chest with his hand cupping my breast. I didn't mind. I was single and I enjoy cuddling and physical contact. I was okay the way that things had progressed and would be totally okay and happy if they progressed further, but nothing happened. After a while, people got tired and went home followed by him wanting to go to bed so I left. I got a hug and I walked out the door feeling a little confused and hoping for more in the future.

We set up a time to hang out again before I disappear for a while and decide to have dinner. We walk down to a restaurant close to his house and have a nice chill dinner including beer and good conversation. We go back to his room and his roommate and a friend are smoking. He joins in, leaving me to be the only person in the house not getting baked. We mildly cuddle on the couch a bit and I play with his hair but nothing compared to the last time. Not even close. I was disappointed with this. It turned into everyone being baked but me and hanging out on the couch, still only mild cuddling. I was snuggled under his arm, but he didn't have his arm around me. This was much different than the other day. The other day it seemed he couldn't wait to get his hands on me, I thought maybe it was how it used to be. But this night was totally different. I had to make all of the efforts for any physical contact.

It kind of makes me wish he hadn't been smoking because maybe then his attitude towards me would have been different. I'm not really sure what he's like when he's baked versus what he's like when he's not, he could have had a change of heart. How am I to know.

I end up leaving that night with just a hug and I kiss him on the neck, which was a substitute for the cheek since I couldn't reach. He returns the hug and watches as I get my stuff together. I put my 4in heels back on and give him another hug, my mouth going from neck height to ear height. I didn't try and kiss there because I was already feeling a little off from his lack of interest. I walked out the door again feeling confused and now lost and lonely.

A part of me wishes he had asked me to stay the night, not for any sexual reasons but just for cuddling. But he doesn't, either time. A part of me is craving that kind of contact but I'm not sure where to get it. I enjoyed that with my last boyfriend but haven't had it since and it leaves a little to be desired.

I wonder if he could feel the same way as he did back at the beginning, totally into me. I would reciprocate it this time. He's no longer the guy that took me on one of the most awkward dates I've ever been on. Now he's the guy who I can go on a date (or not really a date) with and have a good time, laugh, and have good conversation with. And that's what I'm looking for in a date anyways.

He morphed into someone I wanted to have relations with, but he no longer wants relations with me and I guess that's the hard part.



Accepting that what once was is no longer, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Her

Your phone starts vibrating, obviously more than just a text message. A call is coming in. You look at it as you stand up to leave the room to take the call. The way you say hi says nothing for who you are talking to, but I can't help thinking its her. Her. The girl that loves you still even after you broke her heart. The girl that you weren't so sure you loved, weren't so sure if you still loved her. I can't help thinking that you started falling out of love with her when you met me, but I am so similar to her. Same basic body type, Quirky, Silly, and you say adorable. But right now you're talking to her. You talking to her doesn't bother me except when you try to hide it. You ran out of my house without your keys, without your shoes, without your wallet and when I go outside I can't find you anywhere. I don't want to walk around trying to find you because chances are I won't find you and you will beat me back here. I don't want to drive around trying to find you for the same reason.

It's freaking me out! What if you're out there, talking to her, talking about how it was all a big mistake? You're with me know and I'm so happy for that, but if you're talking to her I can't help but think that you want to go back to her. You said so yourself that you miss her... I don't know what I would do if you left me.

Maybe I'm worrying for nothing. Maybe I'm just being silly. I can't help but think that bad things are happening out there though. The fact that I don't know kills me more than anything else.



Don't leave me, I'm not sure I would come out of it whole.