Sure.
No seriously.
*looks at me* Yeah. *gives me a funny look*
Now I can't say it because you're looking at me like that!
*looks away*
Okay. *pause* I like you. *whew*
I know.
Really? Was I that obvious?
Maybe I can just read people.
You're really hard to read. I feel like I understand and then you go and say something else and I'm all confused.
Maybe I am. There is one person back home who can read me. That's who AT is. It's like, I'm her Paramour.
What does that even mean?
Like a mistress, only non-gender specific.
Oh.
So, not awkward?
No. It's not awkward unless you make it awkward. I'm not making it awkward. That's how friends with benefits can work.
*holds out arm towards me and beckons with hand*
What?
Come here.
*hug/mini dip/lean thing*
Good night.
Night.
*start walking away from each other towards respective apartment/dorm*
Be safe.
What's going to get me?
Bad people.
Okay.
*out of ear shot*
Paramour
[par-uh-moor]
1. an illicit lover, esp. of a married person.
2. any lover.
I just can't accept it. I wouldn't go so far to say that I'm broken, but I feel very empty. I don't really feel like I can give it up. I have no closure. I got absolutely nothing from him on the subject, but that should be moot anyways. Even though she has a boyfriend, he might as well be taken. His heart belongs to another girl. I can't imagine that is easy for him.
The hard part is, I want to know him. I want to understand him. I want to get him. I read one of his notes about how he feels about love and I feel exactly the same. I don't want a sexual relationship with him, I just... I don't know what I want. But it's not this.
I'm at a point where I feel like crying but I'm too upset to. I shouldn't be this upset. I just wish I had a little closure. I guess I'll just have to have a little talk with him. Maybe I can do just friends. I just want to know him. I want him to know me. Well... maybe not. Then he could see all my flaws and all of the things wrong with me. I have to be at least a bit masochistic if I always fall for the people I can't have, get way too far into it, and just beat myself over the head with it. First Cory, in 2008. I let my feelings flood back when I knew he wouldn't let himself do anything because of our friendship. But I let myself fall. Then I had to pick up the pieces. Then Richie. But that wasn't quite as bad. We joked about it all the time, and he told me about his girlfriend early on so I had no chance to cultivate anything serious for him. But now... I had all this time to think about it and ponder and shy away from saying anything... it got so far in my head and nowhere in reality that it's almost as if my mind and body are on different planes and they can't line up.
What if there was no AT? What if he liked me instead? What if I actually did understand him. I want to. More than I probably should. I keep wanting to say "I can't do this", but I can. I will get through this. It will probably hurt like hell. "What have I become, My sweetest Friend. Everyone I know goes away in the End. You could have it all, My empire of Dirt. I will let you down, I will make you Hurt."
