Probably shouldn't even be thinking right now because I should be asleep

I feel like all of my life choices were either decided by my parents or influenced by my parents values, throwing me into a career that I'm not entirely sure I will like or even be able to tolerate. So many of the possibilities I had were shot down because I didn't think it was possible, didn't think they would approve or didn't think it was socially acceptable. It makes me wonder what would have happened if I had found my own way, asserting my own personal values and figuring out what I really wanted. As it is, I'm terrified that I'm going to lock myself into a life that I will hate and I will regret every moment of it. Not to mention the sinking feeling that I've let multiple dreams pass me by because I failed to pursue them.

You know

your relationship status has reached an all time low when you are looking through pictures of your male (being female myself of course) friend's significant other and thinking about how she is not good enough for him. When you start thinking about how much better you could be for them. When you start thinking, "If I were dating him, I would never hold him back like that" or "I would never be so jealous about things that he can't live his life normally" and picking out every little thing that she does that he has to deal with.



I think it's time I found a significant other of some sort.

Wow

Okay, it's been a while since I've signed on. A lot has happened since then.


A couple things: I started working at Panera. I worked for about 3 weeks and then went on my epic road trip. I drove to Chico first, danced there and met a couple cook people and hung out with some super awesome people. Then, on to Portland. I was there for two consecutive weekends of dancing. I decided to go to Seattle for 2 days in the week between them and danced up there too. All in all, I drove over 2000 miles, danced 11 nights in a row, and met so many people I can't even count. After that, I was back in SLO for a couple days then SF for another dance thing, which was also fun. And now back in SLO.

While in SLO for those 3 days, I decided that I wasn't going to think about kissing the boy anymore, I was going to kiss him. So I did. And we spend two days kissing, and then I left again.

Now I'm back. I got fired from Panera this morning and all I want to do is either drink everything away or get out of town. Kind of depressing, ey? There is another dance thing this weekend in LA that I'm thinking about going to... The only thing is that if I go, I'm just spending more money that I no longer have the income to replace. I'm scrambling around trying to find another job, but pretty much I just feel worthless and pitiful. Want to know what I did today? I watched 4 episodes of Doctor Who and an episode of Torchwood (staying in order of air dates, of course). And I started making the pillow for the needle point I finished a year ago. And I drove around for about 50 miles after walking out of Panera to try to clear my head.

I'm a mess. I can't think straight... I'm not sure I want to. When they told me that I was no longer an employee of [insert franchise name here], I pretty much went into shock. I walked out in a daze, trying to make it so no body could see me. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to fall into outer space. I got fired. I've never been fired before! No warning, no slap on the wrist, fired. And that's that. I can never work at a Panera ever again. Ever. This was my safety. And I really liked this job. And you ask, what could you have done that got you fired? It's too embarrassing to even tell. I'm ashamed that it got to that... The managers said that it wasn't personal, but it was. It was nothing against my character and I was a great associate. But it was against something that is a part of character. I can't change who I am for a job, right? I was let off from my one day job at the bookstore warehouse because I talked too much and I was too loud and the managers didn't like that. Maybe I'm not meant to hold down a real job... *sigh* At least I got a good amount of money out of it. Now I just need to make sure that I conserve it until I find another job. No crazy money spending. And I really shouldn't travel any more, even though that's all I really want to do right now. Get out of town. Disappear of the face of the earth. If the Tardis appeared in my front lawn right now, I would hop in in a heart beat, no second thoughts.



I guess I'm being a little over dramatic... but I'm upset. I'm allowed to be upset.

Finals!

They are this week. Kinda crazy.

I have 4 classes:
1 Online Final due last Thursday
1 Take home Final due tomorrow (already done)
1 Final Monday (Done)
1 Final Thursday

You're thinking, only one left! Woohoo! But no. That one Final left is in the most hellish time consuming, confusing, getting points off and not knowing why, frustrating class ever. I've failed both of the midterms, 5 points below average on the first and 5 points above average on the second. I'm not sure if this teacher curves the final grade, but I have a feeling that I've heard somewhere that he doesn't. Which would reaaaaally suck.

First off, the class for Fall quarter is already full with a waiting list. Also, two of the classes I'm supposed to be taking in Fall need this class as a prerequisite. So I would have to drop out of those.

Lets just say I'm a little nervous that I'm going to fail this class. Hopefully I wouldn't be held back a year because of that, that would really suck.



I would say wish me luck, but I'm not really sure if that is going to do any good.

My Project

So, I met a guy and we had coffee. It went really well, so we set up another time to hang out. He ended up staying the night that night and we had some to drink. With the drink came more flow of conversation, some about topics that I would never say if I wasn't a bit inebriated. Some of this being about sexual topics. I confessed something that I wouldn't typically say, and he decided that he was going to figure out how to make that happen for me. I was going to be his project.

Now, I'm not really sure how I feel about someone experimenting with me and trying to figure out what works and what doesn't work. I guess that would seem less weird to me if we were in a serious relationship or married or something. But we're not. I wouldn't even say we're dating. We're hanging out. I suppose that under different circumstances, his willingness and desire to figure me out would be romantic or a turn on. But in this situation, it just made me nervous. Maybe I'm just not comfortable enough with him yet. That is very possible. It's possible that after some time I would feel more comfortable, but who knows.



It still feels a bit weird to me just thinking about it.

So much cute

To any new readers that may have picked up my website from my facebook: please disregard any old posts that have names attached to them that you may recognize. From now on, I will not be using any names so people stay anonymous, whether they know who they are or not. One time is enough for someone telling the guy I was raving about what I was talking about. These are not really serious ravings, but I guess it may look kind of like that. I rave here because there really isn't any other outlet for it. Most of what I say is gotten off my chest and forgotten within a week or so. You have no idea what it feels like when the guy I was raving about 2 weeks before pulls me aside, saying that he was pointed to my blog and he doesn't feel the same way. AWKWARD! Of course, he's not going to believe me when I say that I don't really feel that way anymore... But whatever.


On to more exciting things.


I've seemed to be meeting a ton of really good looking guys lately. Which is troublesome because I am so unbelievably shallow and good looks kind of make me melt. There has been a lot of melting going on. Sometimes I can't help but squeal a little bit when I think about them. I can't help smiling when I see them.

But my flirting is at absolute zero. That is also proving troublesome.

Maybe that's why I haven't really been in a relationship since Josh and I broke up April of 2009. Or maybe I'm incapable of having dancing and relationships in my life at the same time. Or maybe I don't feel like I need a relationship as much when I'm dancing. Sure, I'm always going to want to have an emotional connection with someone, but the need for physical contact is satisfied by dancing. Yay blues! Maybe that's why I like it so much... Haha!


And when there is a cute one that is a dancer... or multiple cute dancers... Heehee


And sigh.



However, you can't always have what you yearn for. Thus is life.