So, I started getting really close to this guy. Not romantically, nothing like that, but still really close. I assumed he was into me, because, come on, who wouldn't be... Or at least that's what I try to tell myself. Anyways. We would talk all day every day at work online about lots of stuff. We made lots of plans for visits and events. He was supposed to come up for an event... but I realized earlier in that week that it would be more fun and less awkward to bring a GIRL, rather than a guy. I tried to offer him a bunch of ways out, but he never accepted. He just insisted he was coming, even though it turned out to be way out of the way. So I guess, in a way, this one event turned the entire visit into me being unhappy with him.
It didn't help that he was about 2 hours late. So the entire time he was visiting, I was just unhappy with him and snippy and ignoring him when we were around other people. It was terrible. And whenever he visits he just shares my bed and we cuddle. So I guess this might have been an odd friendship in the first place. So go back to my house and get in bed and I all of the sudden just want to be alone. I don't want to be sharing the bed at all. It made it a night where neither of us really slept because I couldn't get comfortable without rubbing up against him in some way. And this was not a good tension. It was bad tension. And I'm sure he could feel it too, but he didn't mention anything.
This went on for a while more, I would be snippy online when we chatted during the day at work and things just weren't going well at all. Then we had a trip to go out of town together, which thankfully a girl friend of mine joined in. He was late getting to my house to leave. Again. So again, I wasn't happy with him, on top of the already existent bad tension. It was not looking up. The weekend was alright, but I just didn't want to be around him at all. Then at some point, him and my girl friend got really buddy buddy. We picked up a stray person who needed a ride back so they ended up in the back seat together on the drive. I was driving, so I couldn't turn around and chat with them. When the stray decided to take a nap, I was stuck "alone" in the front seat with no one to talk to. They were both mumbling at things on their phones then laughing and I felt totally isolated. It's not enough that I feel totally isolated most of the time anyways... I don't feel like I fit in with any of the groups I'm a part of. I don't really fit perfectly with my coworkers, though I am starting to get to know them a little better NOW, which is good. I never fit with the dancers, because I wasn't the perfect little person they wanted. I don't fit in a lot of groups because they get annoyed with me before they can get to know me. They don't like people who are loud and seize attention from the room. So the trip was half okay, and half terrible. My radio stopped working halfway through too.
The next week I texted him asking why he hadn't been online at all and that it was lame. He responded much later that we needed to have a serious talk. Now, this is where I exeunt stage left. Serious talk is not a thing I like to take part in. I like to run away and pretend it doesn't need to happen. I'm terrible at serious talks. I always try to say what they want to hear and end up saying things that just make it worse. Then I try to fix what I just said and make it worse... It's not pretty. I'm terrible with words. Fact. I couldn't talk my way out of a car chase with the fastest car ever made. But that's besides the point. If I'm terrible at having these talks, I for surely don't want to have it where I won't have time to thing. Texting or emailing would be best. Yes, I'm a wimp.
So we had terrible texting arguments. Finally, I was like, I'm not going to try to explain myself anymore, I'm not going to be able to talk myself out of this even if I was completely innocent. Which obviously, I am not. I'm not going to try to explain my reasoning because you wouldn't understand. And then, I'm not going to try to make it work because I have too much pride and saying sorry isn't really something I do for snapping at people. It hurts my soul. Blackens it.
So I didn't try. Rather than trying to fix the problem, I pushed it away and ignored it. I hadn't really talked to him at all except he messaged me randomly online at work and I gave short answers. I wasn't going to have a fun conversation and let him slip in actual issues! No, that's not really how it works, but it felt weird to talk to him as we used it. Our friendship felt completely broken.
I'm not really sure how to fix it, but I'm not sure I want to. If I flip flopped from happy around him to perpetually annoyed at him in just a couple months, there is no point in even trying to stay friends. There is no way that is going to work out. I'm not willing to put in a bunch of effort for someone I barely know. Especially someone I don't have a huge urge to be around either. I'm not really sure how to feel about this. A part of me is sad, but the other part just wishes it would all go away.
Could I have lost a lasting good friend, just because I am too willful, prideful, and lazy?
