What Once Was

He used to be so into me. He seriously had the hots for me. But then he started becoming less of the awkward guy I first met and more of the confident guy I could be attracted too. It's really too bad I realized this and he was no longer interested. I mentioned to him that this had happened and he didn't know what to tell me, giving me the answer I was looking for, that he really wasn't interested.

I saw him a couple days later and we were hanging out at his house with a couple other people, drinking a beer and chatting. I started off at the opposite side of the couch then ended up sitting in a part of the U shaped 5 section couch with empty sections on either side of me. He got up at some point and came and took the section next to me. Over the course of the next hour I cuddled in closer then when I got up and came back really got in close. He had is arm across my chest with his hand cupping my breast. I didn't mind. I was single and I enjoy cuddling and physical contact. I was okay the way that things had progressed and would be totally okay and happy if they progressed further, but nothing happened. After a while, people got tired and went home followed by him wanting to go to bed so I left. I got a hug and I walked out the door feeling a little confused and hoping for more in the future.

We set up a time to hang out again before I disappear for a while and decide to have dinner. We walk down to a restaurant close to his house and have a nice chill dinner including beer and good conversation. We go back to his room and his roommate and a friend are smoking. He joins in, leaving me to be the only person in the house not getting baked. We mildly cuddle on the couch a bit and I play with his hair but nothing compared to the last time. Not even close. I was disappointed with this. It turned into everyone being baked but me and hanging out on the couch, still only mild cuddling. I was snuggled under his arm, but he didn't have his arm around me. This was much different than the other day. The other day it seemed he couldn't wait to get his hands on me, I thought maybe it was how it used to be. But this night was totally different. I had to make all of the efforts for any physical contact.

It kind of makes me wish he hadn't been smoking because maybe then his attitude towards me would have been different. I'm not really sure what he's like when he's baked versus what he's like when he's not, he could have had a change of heart. How am I to know.

I end up leaving that night with just a hug and I kiss him on the neck, which was a substitute for the cheek since I couldn't reach. He returns the hug and watches as I get my stuff together. I put my 4in heels back on and give him another hug, my mouth going from neck height to ear height. I didn't try and kiss there because I was already feeling a little off from his lack of interest. I walked out the door again feeling confused and now lost and lonely.

A part of me wishes he had asked me to stay the night, not for any sexual reasons but just for cuddling. But he doesn't, either time. A part of me is craving that kind of contact but I'm not sure where to get it. I enjoyed that with my last boyfriend but haven't had it since and it leaves a little to be desired.

I wonder if he could feel the same way as he did back at the beginning, totally into me. I would reciprocate it this time. He's no longer the guy that took me on one of the most awkward dates I've ever been on. Now he's the guy who I can go on a date (or not really a date) with and have a good time, laugh, and have good conversation with. And that's what I'm looking for in a date anyways.

He morphed into someone I wanted to have relations with, but he no longer wants relations with me and I guess that's the hard part.



Accepting that what once was is no longer, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Her

Your phone starts vibrating, obviously more than just a text message. A call is coming in. You look at it as you stand up to leave the room to take the call. The way you say hi says nothing for who you are talking to, but I can't help thinking its her. Her. The girl that loves you still even after you broke her heart. The girl that you weren't so sure you loved, weren't so sure if you still loved her. I can't help thinking that you started falling out of love with her when you met me, but I am so similar to her. Same basic body type, Quirky, Silly, and you say adorable. But right now you're talking to her. You talking to her doesn't bother me except when you try to hide it. You ran out of my house without your keys, without your shoes, without your wallet and when I go outside I can't find you anywhere. I don't want to walk around trying to find you because chances are I won't find you and you will beat me back here. I don't want to drive around trying to find you for the same reason.

It's freaking me out! What if you're out there, talking to her, talking about how it was all a big mistake? You're with me know and I'm so happy for that, but if you're talking to her I can't help but think that you want to go back to her. You said so yourself that you miss her... I don't know what I would do if you left me.

Maybe I'm worrying for nothing. Maybe I'm just being silly. I can't help but think that bad things are happening out there though. The fact that I don't know kills me more than anything else.



Don't leave me, I'm not sure I would come out of it whole.