What do you do

When the person you like doesn't like you back? How about when they say they just want to be friends? What do you do when you believe that certain romantic happenings are going to go on between you and the person you like but it will mean absolutely nothing to them?

You grin and bear it. You make it mean nothing. You get over it and get on with your life.

Or, you secretly fall deeply in love with them behind their backs, wishing in vain that they would someday see that they feel the same for you.




But that's silly. Why would anyone sane ever do something like that?

Sad Panda

Six Flags trip was canceled. It was supposed to be raining. There is no point in going to an amusement park when it's raining! That's just no fun. All the roller coasters would be closed because of rain and I don't want to only ride the kiddie rides all day! We're gonna go during winter break sometime. We have to use the tickets before the new year. So that should be fun!

I had a pretty good weekend so far despite the lacking of six flags. I had a friend over last night and he ended up sleeping over, so that was fun. It's always nice to wake up next to someone. That's for sure! We also watched Ninja Assassin last night, and that was a good bit of epic gore. But it was cool. I approve. Then today I had a pure romance party which only a couple people came to, but we still had a really good time. I then hung out with one of the attendees, got an early dinner and hung out at her house for an hour. We played a short game of Dokapon Kingdom. Fun fun fun. :) Another good thing was I got to see the guy I like on Friday. But he needs a name, not just "the guy I like". Hmm... Lets see... Lets call him Guy, like in that one movie... was it Never been Kissed with Drew Barrymore? Whatever. Some guy... his name is Guy. And we're going to call this guy Guy as well. Ready, break. So, I had lunch with Guy Friday afternoon. That was really tasty. After that was when my other friend came over. But I have to admit, I would have much rather hang out and cuddle all night with Guy than my other friend. I'm not sure if he's into that though. I keep imagining what it will be like if he were to make a move. There are a lot of difference scenarios that like to run through my head! I'm not at the point where I feel like I need to tell him I like him or I'll burst, but I definitely like him. I really like hanging out with him as friends, but I want there to be more too. We just click really well and have done so since the beginning. That's how it's supposed to be, right?

Well tonight is blues and I'm trying to get Guy to come. I should do some homework (even though hw for this class isn't due) but I'm really unproductive right now. Oh well.

SIX FLAGS!

Next week. Six Flags trip. VERY EXCITING! They don't have any new rides since the last time I've been there, but this is still going to be a lot of fun. Right now it's me Mat and Colin, which shall be interesting. Me and Colin are very close and cuddly, and that makes Mat uncomfortable. Which makes sense because it's very obvious to people who don't even know him that he really likes me. He's not very good at hiding it. Oh well. What can they do, most guys are easy reader books. Running around all day with Colin is going to be really fun. I've spent a lot of time with him lately and we just really hit it off. It's really great. I'm glad I got to know him.

I was talking to this guy yesterday and today. The conversation was pretty interesting... Yesterday while he was drunk I mentioned that I will be 21 in a month and we should drink together then. He then claimed that if we drank together he would make a move on me. I'm not really sure what that means to him; would he start flirting, try to kiss me, or try to get into my pants? The world will never know. I guess I'll have to see. I told him that I think I could handle it. He said that he was sure that I could. Ha. We were then talking about Six Flags and I invited him to come. It would be really interesting to have him, Mat, and Colin all in the same car for 3 hours down to LA and back. They are all so completely different and I hope that they wouldn't clash. I know Colin and Mat get along well enough and Colin gets a lot with pretty much anybody. But Mat and this guy... I'm not sure. He's not really sure he can come at this point, he has to see what time he needs to be back on Sunday. I assured him we could change our departure time to adjust for his time frame. And if he came it would just be a sausage fest. Me plus three other guys. Yay? Or testosterone overload.


We shall see!

I'm mad at him

I'm mad at him because I liked him for so long and it went away. I started seeing him again, and it started coming back. But I don't want to to. I'm mad at him because he likes someone else now, or at least it seems very obvious that he does. He likes someone else and I feel like I'm getting neglected because of it. I'm mad at him because I liked him so much and got so hurt because of it. I'm mad at him because I feel like I wasted a couple months of my life on that. And finally I'm mad at him because he never liked me.


On a happier note, I had a Harry Potter Movie a thon yesterday (Harrython) and it was a lot of fun. We ate lots of snacks and not really a good meal the entire day. Yay...? The final two movies will be watched on Sunday. And the midnight showing is next week! Yay. Next week I'm making a trip down to LA to go to Six Flags. That should be really fun.




Anyways, ANGST! Okay, I'll good now.

Not so Great

So, I made a post recently (the most recent one) about how life was going pretty well and I was happy with the progression. Now, not so much. The classes I thought I was doing okay in... Not so good. So far I have taken 6 midterms, plus another tomorrow. Of those 6, one was awesome: perfect score. The others, not so great. The one I took today, I don't have high hopes for it. The others: 71 and 55. Given, the average for the 55 class was only a 68. But still. 55 does not make me happy in any way. The one tomorrow I feel like I will do okay, that's the perfect score class, but the material has gotten significantly harder since the last midterm. I'm really not sure how this one will go. After this, that's all for the test phase until Finals week. That is going to be... well... Fun. If by fun, you mean the complete and utter lack of fun.

As for relationships go, my sex life has slowed down a bit. The guy I was fooling around with has stopped piquing my interest, but I might go back if I get especially horny one day. There are a couple of guys I like, one in particular more than the others but I'm keeping my options open. The one I like is tall, dark, and handsome. Well, he's kinda cute. But his personality is great, and I absolutely melt when he smiles. He's the kind of guy that can make me burst out laughing with very little effort, and that's pretty much what I'm looking for. I like laughing. Laughing is good. It frees the soul. Or whatever. Anyways... I'm not sure he likes me, but I'm just going to ride it out and see what happens. I plan to hang out with him more one on one at some point, but being really busy and trying to plan things at the same time makes that a bit difficult. It'll happen sometime. We mentioned that our jokes are starting to get old and we need new ones, but that means we need to hang out more. He agreed. That's a good sign. Him agreeing that we should hang out, I mean.

Dancing is always good. I was on a swing haitus for a bit and wasn't getting into it as much, but I got it back this weekend and had an awesome time at Madonna yesterday. I'm not really into WCS at all lately... It's just really not my thing at all. And of course, blues is always good. I really don't enjoy Saturday nights as much as I used to, but that's why I'm glad that we have Wednesdays. Wednesdays are always phenomenal, as long as there are enough leads. Normally the music is better as well. Which is also nice. This week we are starting 30 minutes early and doing a practica, where you have to bring your own partner. I asked the guy who's house it is held at and he said yes, which is happy. I have a partner! Yay. This is also the guy that I think may possibly have a thing for me. We have really good dances that are sometimes a bit closer than I feel he dances with other girls. But I'm not sure. We also had a really stimulating dance Friday at the Halloween party when I was a bit on the tipsy side. By stimulating I mean that it was just really close and a pretty sexy dance. I may have also felt that way because I was a bit on the tipsy side. Who knows. It was a good dance. I'm not really sure where I would go with that if anything every came from that relationship. I'm not sure if I like him in that way. I'm not specifically attracted to him, but he's a nice guy and it maybe could work... I'm really not sure. I would have to see. But it probably wouldn't come around, so I really don't have to worry about it. It's fun to think about though. It's always fun to think about :)



All in all, dancing is good, School is worrying the crap out of me, and I'm too busy for my own good. I'm staying sane. Somehow.

Anyways

Life is pretty good right now. I'm doing well enough in all of my classes, I get invited to enough parties to settle my subconscious from thinking that nobody likes me, and I have enough sexual activity that I'm not going out of my mind.



And as always, Dancing is good. Dancing is what really keeps me sane.

I'm being Healthy.

I have a healthy crush for once. I nice, healthy crush that doesn't crush me to think about. A nice boy that doesn't seem to have any random strings that come along with him. A dancer, which is nice, but not one that I particularly like dancing with. He's still new, but he'll get better. Also, a boy that I know almost absolutely nothing about but want to get to know better. I don't even know how old he is. Or if he actually lives in SLO or in the surrounding cities. Or if he's still in college. He's cute, and looks absolutely harmless. He doesn't seem like the kind of boy who would hurt me, but then again none of them do.

Step 1: Find out how old boy is.
Step 2: Initiate conversation.
Step 3: Figure out of those lingering glances from Monday meant anything. Maybe he thinks I'm cute. That's a start!


Its nice to have a crush on someone and not feel like it will never happen or they're way out of my league. It feels nice.




EDIT: Boy is dating another girl. Sucks for me.

Fourthorama

4th of July. Pretty fun. The best part wasn't even the fireworks.

4 people came and met at my house, and we all piled into the car and readed to Ralph's to get some snacks. We met up with another car there and caravaned to Pismo for the fireworks. Of course, there was no easy parking. We ended up parking way up in the hills, but there was this large rock outcropping that us and a lot of other groups sat on. It was the perfect spot, but it took forever to drive around and find somewhere and it took forever to walk all the way do there. We got to the spot around 8:30 and settled in to wait for the fireworks, passing around the chips, cookies, and sandwiches we had picked up.

Finally the fireworks started at 9:15, but sadly New Guy, lets call him Dan, couldn't make it. He had taken a nap and didn't wake up in time, even though he had meant to wake up hours before. The extra warmth would have been nice, but I ended up being pretty okay. Sadly the glow sticks Kim had brought were lost until we were leaving, but we had fun with them after that.

After the works were over, we began the trek back up the hill to the car. It seemed a lot farther when walking up hill! We finally go there and got in the giant unmoving line of cars to get down the hill. We put the car in park, ready to wait it out. Finding a good radio station, we rolled down the windows and rocked out, yelling at passing pedestrians and having a good time. After about an hour of just sitting there, a lindy song comes on and me and Travis get out to dance. First we're just dancing on the side of the car in the dark. It's hard to lindy in tennis shoes on asphalt!!! We changed it to a song we could west coast to and started dancing in the headlights. People up the hill started cheering for us, and passing cars hooted at us too. It was EPIC. We danced a couple songs and then the cars started moving. We just skipped along, since it wasn't moving very far. At this point it was only me and Travis out of the car. We saw Amy walking down the street to find a bathroom and Marshal decided to go too. When he came back we joined hands and spin around in a circle moving forwards with the cars. Then Kim got out too and we were just dancing around for a while. The cars started moving and we skipped along for a couple feet when we realized they were REALLY moving and we ran screaming back to the car. "GO GO GO!!!" we yelled.

We made it back to SLO and my house around 11:30 and put on some music. Not everyone was dancing, but that was alright. We started a game of Dokapon kingdom to play for 5 game weeks and see who got the most money, but we didn't get anywhere near finishing it when Marshal wanted to play Mario Party. We don't have that game, so they played Mario Kart instead. I was playing Dokapon for a while then I decided I just wanted to dance. Maya and Zack showed up then, and we lit off some sparklers. My first sparkler ever!!! It was great.

A bit more dancing, but that was pretty much all for the night.

There was one song I really wanted to dance with Dan to, but he was already dancing with Kim. I was 5 seconds too late. I was a little upset, but not really and I got over it when Lenny danced with me. I then noticed that Dan danced with Kim a lot more than he danced with me, dancing with her twice in a row rather than asking me when I was sitting there. Given, I was played the video game too, but I would have rathered dance. Maybe he likes dancing with her more... and I really shouldn't let it get to me... but I was jealous. With him I really don't get jealous of him dancing with other girls since we will only dance once or twice in a night usually. But tonight I was getting really jealous. It was pretty bad. When they left, I was just hitting my head against the wall for being so naive. He's totally out of my league and there is no point in harboring ANY feelings for him, other than platonic ones. But I can't help it. I almost don't feel anything for the other guy right now. I almost wish it would go back to the other one, because then at least I know where I stand. I may not LIKE where it is, but I KNOW. That's the main part. Sure, the other one hurt because I wanted more and I couldn't have it and that hurt... and not being around him hurt. He was like a heroine addiction: I had severe withdrawals when he left. It was kind of ridiculous. And now I'm having withdrawals right after Dan leaves... at least with the other one I would feel okay when he left most times. It would just suck the next day. I put on a couple really powerful songs and danced it out and I'm okay now... but I'm still... ugh I don't even have a word for it. Other than SUCKAGE. Anyways.



Moral of the story: Really liking someone who is way out of your league SUCKS.

New Guy.

Dancer. Good looking. Great personality. Great body. Great smile. There's no possible way he could like me too. Slightly older, but I'm okay with that. Slightly meaning 5 years. And he's an amazing cook. Dinner, dessert, everything. And he has a thing for randomly picking people up, which I love, of course. And he's vamped and wered on me a couple times too. Vamped, meaning going for my neck and Wered, meaning growling and feinting to bite my hand. I'm a fantasy freak. I'm totally into that stuff.



I know I said I need to find a distraction to take my mind off the other one, but this might just be a bad idea. Getting attached here could make life that much more painful. I can feel myself growing closer to him everyday. And we've broached the "hang out outside of dancing" barrier. Today we were dancing at salsa and my lips brushed something... it was just a millisecond, and I know he didn't mean to, but it happened. It might have been his cheek or something, but I can't help but wonder. I'm just going to let it play out, and who knows. I might just end up having a huge dancer guy as a really close friend.



Oh yeah, and he drives a Camry older than mine.

Roommates

So, today I bought a huge thing, 6 lbs, of ground beef so that roommie would have meat to make baked ziti for everyone tonight. I realized after calculating how much meat he was using and how much was going to be used tonight that I could feed 5-10 people burgers with the leftovers. I told Roommie that he could just pay me $3 for what he's using and the rest would be fine. He then got really annoyed with me that I was making house food so much more complicated.

It's really not that hard. He has no right to get so annoyed with me over that. I realized that it was going to weird living with him, but I didn't think it was going to be this weird.

He's incapable of cleaning anything well, and complains about not using the dish washer, even though nobody else uses it. It really doesn't make any sense to run dishwasher loads when it's not even half fun.




Okay that's the end of my rant. El Fin.

I'm Completely Incapable

I seriously can't sit still today. I'm having lots of problems. Sitting through classes has become very difficult for me, and I'm not sure I can make it through the rest of this class. I only have at most an hour left, but I can't do it! I need out now!!!




Ugh. Philosophy. Die.

I Remember

Little things keep reminding me of him. I told myself that I wouldn't mope, and I would move on. I would find a summer fling, meet a new boy and forget about him. At least for a little while. Well, I don't think that plan is working out quite as well as I could like it to. "Teardrop" by Massive Attack was playing last night and blues and I immediately got up and looked for him before really realizing what I was doing. I ended up dancing with someone else, obviously, but I felt really empty about it. For some reason, even though he didn't even introduce me to that song, it always reminds me of him. Maybe because he was the guy that was always like, "hey, this is by massive attack!" and we had plans to make an A Capella version of it. That hasn't happened yet. Maybe in the fall.

The fall brings a lot of maybe's. Maybe we'll get back together. Maybe we'll get closer. Maybe I won't be in love with him anymore. Who knows, I guess we'll find out.

Another song came on that reminds me of him and just makes me want to dance with him more than anything: "Carmel Prisoner" by Air. I miss him so much it almost hurts. But classes are starting early tomorrow morning, so I'm not going to have time to think about him. I'm not going to have time to miss him. I'm not going to have time to mope over him.



Maybe that's for the best.

It's not so bad

Really. It's not as bad as I expected it would be. Blues was not weird without him even though it would have been nice if he was there, seeing as how there weren't enough leads. I didn't have any specifically amazing dances either, but that wasn't something that I really noted, just realized later. I am very happy I got to say goodbye to him so many times though. I saw him on Monday once, and twice on Tuesday. I joked that I should find a reason to see him on Wednesday just to say goodbye one last time, but I didn't. I almost wish that I had, but I won't be greedy.

My entire room is packed up save for the clothing. It looks weird and empty. I made this room my home for the last 9 months and now I'm just going to pack up and leave. I will always remember you, Aliso 412B. The only thing constant in my room that was here before I started packing a couple hours ago is the furniture and my laptop. I love you laptop, you bring order into my life.

I realized about 20 minutes ago that I needed to print a parking pass so that we can park close when we're moving out tomorrow that my printer was in a box. On the bottom of a pile of boxes. *sigh* I went into Paul's room and of course, the one minute he decides to be busy is when I need something from him. After standing around for a couple minutes I went back to my room telling him to come get me when he was done. He hasn't come get me yet... I will get this printed!! Or we will not be very happy later when we can't park on the main level and have to take a second elevator with all my stuff to get to the car. That just would not be the most convenient of occurrences ever... yeah...

There is so much food in our fridge. And in my cabinet. I don't know how it's all going to get to the new house... and I think a lot of it will get left there. I just finished my milk!!! At least that's a plus.




Moving out at 2pm tomorrow. Should be fun.

Attached

Being attached to someone who does not reciprocate this feeling is hard. But I'll get through it. The summer will be long and hard, filled with days and nights where I will turn around and swear its him, only to take a second look and realize it's not, and there is no way it could be him. Every week is going to be filled with dance events that would be better if he was there. Every night there will be a cold bed that I wish he would help warm, even if that made it way too warm and got my bed all wet. I can handle that too.

We didn't even get one last night before he leaves, and he doesn't want to. He just wants some space. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I pushed him too far and he doesn't want to see me anymore. Not like we were "seeing each other" in the common dating sense, but we hung out and literally "saw" each other occasionally. And I am going to deeply miss that.

I was talking to another friend of mine and claimed that I need to find a summer fling to help me forget him. Said friend, who was a guy, then asked if that was a not so subtle hint. I told him, no, and no offense. I really need to find a guy that will take my mind off of him. A guy to have a crush on, to think of at night. And maybe a new cuddle buddy. Maybe when he comes back over the summer I'll make him jealous with my new guy. Or my new cuddle buddy. Or whatever there is. Or maybe he'll just come back and I'll run into his arms crying about how much I missed him when he was gone.

That would be pretty pathetic. Lets avoid that.

I could always cuddle with before mentioned friend, that always works. We're pretty close... and I wouldn't mind having a mini fling with him, but he would never take my mind off of him. I just don't like him like that. I need the anxious, heart wrenching crush to make me forget. Or at least to channel the energy in another direction. Maybe if I learned how to control this energy, it would make my life a lot easier. But who wants easy? It's more exciting this way. Yay for exciting?



I feel like I'm going to fail my Fluids class... but at least now it's over. I took the final today, and I'm happy I don't have to worry about it anymore, but I'm kinda worried i may need to worry about it for another quarter. That would not make a happy camper. Also, this final made me miss dancing at Madonna. Not so happy about that either. But that couldn't be fixed. Another final 7-10 pm tomorrow and Wednesday. Again, not a very happy camper. And then the easiest final on Friday, with an extra day to study in between. I would love to take Thursday off and just veg out, but I should probably study. Maybe I'll take the text book down to the pool and read. When I get too hot I'll just jump in and swim around for a while. Maybe I can wear my new swim suit and get a tan!

By this point he'll be gone. And my heart will likely be aching. *oww*

He's not even staying long enough to come to blues on Wednesday night. I don't know what's up with him. He claims that he's still hungover from Friday and tired. He just needs to get home as soon as possible. Maybe I should just stop talking to him now before he leaves so that when he leaves its not a huge jolt. That would be really painful. Blues is not going to be the same without him. It's going to be like something is missing. And something WILL be missing.

This sucks. I need to stop sulking. Okay, new guy, I'm ready to be found!




I'm ready when you are, come and get it.

He was right

He was right the entire time. It was for my own good, and I should have listened. I wanted too much and in the end I will end up hurting myself way more than if I had just let go. But I'm totally lost. No, not yet. There are greater things in my life than being on the verge of loving someone who doesn't love me but still lays with me for a night. There are greater things than someone who makes me happy but doesn't feel the same way for me. There are greater things than just him. And I will find them. I will find a way to make myself happy without needing someone else, and I will be an independent woman.

I don't need him to make me happy. I just like it when he does. And it feels nice. But I can love someone else. Someone who loves me. Or at least someone who is capable of loving me. Someone who wants to drop everything to drive across the country with me. Someone who, in the heat of passion, makes sure than I'm okay before continuing. Someone who treats me right, even though he can be the most insufferable human being in the world.




I will get through this. And I will be stronger by the end of it.

It's for your own good

He doesn't want to kiss me because he doesn't want me to fall in love with him.
--- I told him I was too in love with Cory to fall in love with him. Which is partly true. You can love more than one person at a time, and I know that I have in the past. And I might now. But for now, I don't love him. I just like him. Quite a bit. But still.

He doesn't want to have sex with me because then he would be connected to me, and he doesn't love me.
--- He's a virgin, so I told him to go have sex with her, and then come back. He said no, claiming that it would still tie him to me.

He likes it when I fight and is totally turned on by a lot of the things I do, but he's not attracted to me. I don't understand. I wish I could just be witchy and charm him into liking me. My life would be easier with magic.




I should really stop reading fantasy books. Makes me want things I can't have.

Can I tell you something without you making it awkward?

Sure.
No seriously.
*looks at me* Yeah. *gives me a funny look*
Now I can't say it because you're looking at me like that!
*looks away*
Okay. *pause* I like you. *whew*
I know.
Really? Was I that obvious?
Maybe I can just read people.
You're really hard to read. I feel like I understand and then you go and say something else and I'm all confused.
Maybe I am. There is one person back home who can read me. That's who AT is. It's like, I'm her Paramour.
What does that even mean?
Like a mistress, only non-gender specific.
Oh.
So, not awkward?
No. It's not awkward unless you make it awkward. I'm not making it awkward. That's how friends with benefits can work.
*holds out arm towards me and beckons with hand*
What?
Come here.
*hug/mini dip/lean thing*
Good night.
Night.
*start walking away from each other towards respective apartment/dorm*
Be safe.
What's going to get me?
Bad people.
Okay.
*out of ear shot*



Paramour
[par-uh-moor]
1. an illicit lover, esp. of a married person.
2. any lover.



I just can't accept it. I wouldn't go so far to say that I'm broken, but I feel very empty. I don't really feel like I can give it up. I have no closure. I got absolutely nothing from him on the subject, but that should be moot anyways. Even though she has a boyfriend, he might as well be taken. His heart belongs to another girl. I can't imagine that is easy for him.

The hard part is, I want to know him. I want to understand him. I want to get him. I read one of his notes about how he feels about love and I feel exactly the same. I don't want a sexual relationship with him, I just... I don't know what I want. But it's not this.

I'm at a point where I feel like crying but I'm too upset to. I shouldn't be this upset. I just wish I had a little closure. I guess I'll just have to have a little talk with him. Maybe I can do just friends. I just want to know him. I want him to know me. Well... maybe not. Then he could see all my flaws and all of the things wrong with me. I have to be at least a bit masochistic if I always fall for the people I can't have, get way too far into it, and just beat myself over the head with it. First Cory, in 2008. I let my feelings flood back when I knew he wouldn't let himself do anything because of our friendship. But I let myself fall. Then I had to pick up the pieces. Then Richie. But that wasn't quite as bad. We joked about it all the time, and he told me about his girlfriend early on so I had no chance to cultivate anything serious for him. But now... I had all this time to think about it and ponder and shy away from saying anything... it got so far in my head and nowhere in reality that it's almost as if my mind and body are on different planes and they can't line up.

What if there was no AT? What if he liked me instead? What if I actually did understand him. I want to. More than I probably should. I keep wanting to say "I can't do this", but I can. I will get through this. It will probably hurt like hell. "What have I become, My sweetest Friend. Everyone I know goes away in the End. You could have it all, My empire of Dirt. I will let you down, I will make you Hurt."

Lacking DDB

Again, I'm horrible at keeping up with this while school is going on. Really. I just don't pay attention to it. Atm, I'm listening to some MIT Physics lecture that my teacher assigned us to watch for the furlough Thursday. *snore* This guy is so boring. You'd think that a lecture from MIT might be less boring, right? Wrong. Ack, oh well. *Semi watching video...*

The next couple of weeks are going to be amazing. This week doesn't have much going on, but this weekend we're going down to LA for a Fusion party!!! So excited! It's going to be so much fun. Then the next week finals... and I'm trying to get down to LA Friday so I can go to DSB that night. Can't wait! I haven't been in like 2 months! I miss everyone. Then Saturday at 5pm, off to Atlanta! I'll get into town at midnight, ATL time, which is really only 9 my time. I'll be so off for a couple times, but hopefully I'll be unjetlagged after a couple days. An amazing week with all of my friends, and ATLX at the end of the week! Then back to LA, and drive back up to SLO. Back in time for classes and Madonna monday night! Yay!!!

Sigh So much excitement brewing!

Not to mention the current crushes. Ack.

Out in the open

So, I'm not sure if I want to thank you or to be angry. And "you" being whoever told Alex that I had a crush on him. I guess I'm happy that it's out in the open, but that was a really awkward minute out in the cold when he confronted me about it. XD Serious, wow, awkward. He said, "So someone was telling me about your blog..." "okay..." "and they informed me that you had feelings for me." To this I just snorted and started laughing. Yes, it was only a week and a couple days ago when I wrote that post, but I feel differently about it already. Yes, I still have a crush on him, but when he said "you have feelings for me" it felt so wrong and not what I feel at all. I really barely know him, it's impossible to have feelings for him. A crush is much different than that. I seriously doubt we even have anything in common. But you know how crushes are, they come out of nowhere and you don't know why. And they normally don't last for very long.

I actually kind of wondering who told him. I've decided I'm not angry, I guess it's for the best. I might have liked it not being said at all and having the thrill of mystery for a while longer. I wasn't going to do anything about it, so it wouldn't have been much of a problem. And I'm not debilitated by it or anything, it's just... there. Less so there now than even a week ago. I guess amazing weekends do that to you. I wonder who told him mainly because I didn't really think people read this. Its not like I told anyone about it. Yes, the link is posted on my facebook page, but I don't show updates on facebook or anything. Just curious to who reads the random stuff I write about. Seriously, the blog is titled "Ramblings from my Subconscious". I ramble about stuff. I didn't know people really read it. But whatever. Over it!

Big Apple tomorrow! Me and Christina are going to Express after lessons too :D <3 id="gwProxy" type="hidden">

Somebody to Love

I know. I'm horrible. I promised that I would be making posts at least once a week, and I definitely haven't kept that up. I'm trying. I'm so busy, it's insane. But it's a good busy I love it. No I don't like the homework, but a lot of my busy-ness is from dancing and I'm absolutely and positively in love with that. So much dancing, and I can't get enough of it.

Two weeks ago was San Diego Fusion Exchange, and that was one of the most memorable weekends I've had in a while. Friday started out I went to my first Physics lab of the quarter. 8am is a little early for thinking about Physics, but what can you do. Once it was over I ran to the PAC where I met Laney and Mark. Laney took us to the train station to catch a bus to Santa Barbara then a train from there to San Diego. It was a long trip, but towards the end of the train ride we started talking to these people around our age from Australia. We talked about our plans for the weekend then started up some music and did a Blues demo on the train, while it was moving. Mark had to grab onto the luggage rack to keep us upright with the jolting of the train. Danced on a train: *check*

We got to San Diego and Amy picked us up from the station. We chilled with the rest of the SLO kids at their hotel until it was time to go to the dance then went. It was really slow at first, but the dancing picked up within an hour. I jumped onto multiple people I hadn't seen in a while and hugged many more. I was so excited to see all these people that I forgot I knew all in one place. There were people who I had only recently met, and some others I had danced with multiple times in LA and San Fransisco. I found out halfway between 9pm and 12am that there was another room. I ran between the two rooms dancing my legs off. Then it was time to go to late night. Both venues were absolutely gorgeous, but the place for late night dancing was huge. The dance floor was so large, I almost couldn't believe that we fit that many people in the smaller dance floor. The music was very bipolar tonight. Some was really good and some was just eh. The night passed with awesome dancing and conversing. I went back to the hotel with Jen and we were locked out of the hotel room. The locking mechanism in the door had somehow broken and they had to put us in a different room. Jen and Ronnin didn't have any of their stuff, but since I had just gotten there I had everything. I thank god for small miracles.

The next day was crazy. We got to the day venue for breakfast at 10:30 and by the time we got to the food table through the line there was barely any food left. We gathered up scraps and ate what we could. Classes today were almost overwhelming. There were three classes at every time slot, so you really had to choose carefully. I took Flying and Falling with Chris and Campbell first. This class taught a couple aerials and a couple dips. It was a really fun class. Next I took a class called Who has the Ball with Chris Ransdell and Lessa Lamb. This was a really fun class. It was all about moving an energy ball through your dance and being aware of its position at all times. This turned into a huge gentle mosh pit at the end of class when we did it with everyone in the middle of the room. Smooth moves was next with Doug Stilton. He taught a different way of thinking about dancing and changing up your moves. It was pretty cool. Lastly I took the Microblues class with Ben Long and Lessa Lamb. During this class there was a very distracting gorgeous sunset going on. It wasn't a particularly stimulating class though, so being distracted was okay.

We got a 3 hour break where we went to dinner at Souplantation. Gosh, Seth can eat! He had a good 4 plates of food and he was still going. For night dancing there was a live band. The lead singer was amazing! I bought her CD and added her on facebook. Her last song was Proud Mary which started slow and got really fast at the end. There were people dancing in front of the stage doing choreography they made up. The late night was amazing tonight. I started getting tired early on, but I stayed the entire time anyways. It was worth it. I got a massage from Corey with a promise that I would give him one tomorrow. Dancing and music was amazing tonight. There was the instructor demo dances, then the instructor jam, then a steal dance where you switched partners randomly. It was really fun. I danced with Andrew Sutton and another guy for the last 20 seconds of a song and then after the steal dance I danced with Andrew again to Firefly. It was an amazing dance that I will not forget for a while. We were right by the speaker so I could hear every little nuance of the song. We were so connected to each other and the music. It was incredible. I also danced with Chris Mayer, who was also amazing to dance with. We also had an interesting conversation during our dance. When I told him I was from SLO he claimed that he swore that 4 of his last 5 dances had been with SLO girls. I told him we swarm. Well, we do! I ended up being his last dance of the night. Also, Dave Madison showed up tonight. I danced with him for a dance and a half, that was really fun. He is always nice to dance with. When the dance was over we stumbled back to the car, went back to the hotel, and passed out.

Up relatively early for a weekend again the next morning. Brunch at 11, Panera catering! I was talking about what is good and what is not so great. I helped Campbell pick out a souffle that was vegetarian. The classes I took today started with Blues Tapestry with Chris Ransdell and Lessa Lamb. In this class we learned a really yummy connection that makes doing lifts and dips a lot easier on the lead since the follow is already transferring a lot of her weight onto him. It was such a fun class. Chris really wants to come teach in SLO and I couldn't be more excited if we get him to come. Next I took Latin Blues with Ivy Grey and Andrew Smith, which was really just a Samba class. I was disappointed. I wish I had taken the other class, It takes two, with Andrew Sutton. I missed the next class because me and Amy were trying unsuccessfully to get me to the train station before the train left. I would have liked to take the class Sweet vs. Bitter: Musicallity and Musical Tension with Chris and Campbell. The last class of the weekend was Beyond Micro Blues: The Arc of the Dance with Ben Long and Lessa Lamb which was basically a class about asking someone to dance, and not feeling bad about saying no when you are asked. It was a pretty awkward class, seeing as how the asking to dance part is a lot more awkward than the actual dance. It was a nice end to a wonderful weekend.

The break between classes and dancing was filled with ordering pizza, jamming, and talking to lovely people at the hot tub. Graham had his guitar, Erika had her Eukele, and Mark had his harmonica. Everyone was singing or just talking and laughing. It was a really great atmosphere. I didn't feel like being in the hot tub so I just stayed out, but it was nice to be there anyways. The dance that night was pretty fun, but kind of weird since all the SLO kids were gone. They had left right after classes. The only people left were me, Bobby, Mark, and Chelsea. It turned out I was going to get a ride with Chelsea back to SLO and we would be leaving at 2am. I actually became very happy with that decision when I realized how much fun I had at the dances that night. Earlier in the day Shawn had tweaked his back so he wasn't dancing and I was hanging out with him a lot. We had some really nice conversations. I only danced a couple times at the early dance and sat with Shawn for a lot of late night too. When it turned to 1am I got up and danced the rest of the time until Chelsea told me we were leaving. I ran out so fast that I didn't get to say bye to Brandon. But oh well.

I ended up meeting a really awesome guy Robert on Saturday during Doug's class and we danced later in the night. We ended up hanging out for a bit Saturday night and had an interesting conversation with this other girl. I got his name and number so I could add him on facebook and invite him to all the exciting things in SLO! He lives in Davis. A couple other fun people I met were Jamie from Boston, Clyde from somewhere... Emily, and Rio- my favorite female lead! I got to know some LA people a little better, and of course saw a lot of Brandon and Halley. Sadly, Halley left early on Sunday morning and I didn't get to say goodbye to her. She had to be home for something, I trust maybe she will tell me what happened at some point. The drive back up with Chelsea wasn't bad at all, she has an awesome taste in music. All in all, I got 3 hours of sleep that night. It was an amazing weekend and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I hope I can have the funding to go to the next one because it will not be in California.


So, onto the main topic of this post! Lately I have been feeling the absence of a significant other very heavily. I've been meeting a lot of guys I really like and I wish that we could be more than friends. That guy Robert from Fusion? I could melt in his eyes. He's gorgeous. And he's amazingly funny. And he puts up with my silly mannerisms. And he loves my singing. "I'm sorry if my singing is bothering you." "Yes, it is bothering me. It's so gorgeous that it's completely distracting me from my dancing." We danced three songs in a row on Saturday night. That was really fun. Another one that is making life particularly hard right now is Alex. I have a pretty big crush on him. He's such a good dancer and he's just cute in his own way. I'm just happier when I'm around him. I wish I could get to know him better. There is always Eric, but that's just something that will never go anywhere. I'm almost positive he doesn't feel the same way. The thing with Alex is I have no idea. It's so frustrating. I want to tell him or do something but I'm afraid it will ruin the puny friendship we have now. I wish he would make a move but I know that will never happen. There is always John, he's pining for me harder now than ever. And I think Joe kinda likes me too. But I love hanging out with Joe just as friends so I don't think I want to do any more there. Richie is having problems with his girl friend currently, and I'm first on his list. Exciting! I had a crush on Richie since the day I met him. We had a running joke that I would be first on the list and whenever he flipped me off I would say, "don't make promises you can't keep!" We playfully flirted all the time. I miss that. I don't have anyone that I really do that with anymore.


Going down to LA tomorrow for Do Something Blue and staying at Heather's house. Then we're driving back up for the Tri Masquerade Saturday night. Then Big Apple and 10 week lesson Sunday, and Madonna Monday. 4 straight days of dancing, I can't wait. I just have to get through the dreaded Friday morning Physics lab. Which reminds me, why am I still awake? Oh yeah, I'm typing this obnoxiously long post!!! I remember now. I still need to pack for tomorrow, but that's not really a big deal. It'll be just throwing a couple things together that I can probably do in the morning, but I should put a couple things in now. I want to take my duffle but I should take my backpack so I can bring a couple books and not have them sticking out awkwardly.\




I still haven't folded my laundry from Sunday, I should really do that. Especially since I need to pack some of the stuff that's in the hamper. Okay, laundry calls. I'm out for now.

Abandoned

I know I haven't been posting much. But with school and dancing, I've been insanely busy. Also, I've been getting a pretty good outlet of things with my roommates now that we're back. I actually have people to talk to! I know, crazy.

More later.